I live in a new place. I work a new job. I have new friends. I have a new life. I see a new Jesus.
It has always been important for me to discuss myself. Not in an arrogant, prideful way; well at least not always in that. Simply that I enjoy talking and going through the person I am helps me realize who I am becoming — who God wants me to become. I had a conversation today about my biggest fear. My tongue was quick to answer this question. It’s been the same answer since the day I decided my major would be Computer Science. I fear stagnation. I fear idleness. I fear the wrong kinds of contentment, I fear losing passion. I fear all versions of “The American Dream”. I fear the thought that college was the most passionate I am and ever will be.
Now I’m in Connecticut. Now I make the coin. Now I have a routine. Now I’m where I thought I’d never be. I remember telling a girl friend once that I couldn’t live in suburbia. I do. I told her that I couldn’t work a job that just helped other people get rich. I do. I remember judging her when she told me she was okay with those things, to an extent. Forgive me.
I’m not writing to say that I know I’m supposed to be exactly where I am. To suggest that this is what God wants for me. I don’t know that he cares where I live. I will not rationlize where I’ve come to be by suggesting that my eight hours in front of a computer and three with my roommate each night, constitute a life of purpose. I’m learning about purpose.
I’ve learned that purpose is a daily choice. Purpose and Will are not things which should be viewed through a holistic life lens. Everyday I make the decision to be alive in Christ and let him change me, thus giving way to the work of the Holy Spirit through my body, or I choose not to. Every single hour almost, I decide to live the suburban life or run from it. Down to the conversations I have each day, I choose whether or not I will live the American Dream, or my own dream.
If this is the case then, my life hasn’t really changed that much, it’s not that new. I’m left making the same decisions I was making in Austin. I pray I make the life giving ones.
